Kain's Domain

I heard some bad news earlier, and I am sad, and I don't want to talk about it, so instead, you get a Personality test thingy results.

I have nothing against Sundays personally, in fact, back when I was with Sky, Sunday was my favorite day of the week. But ever since having a job, Sundays seem to pull me in two different directions due to the fact that I have work the following day.

Now, I should point out that for the most part, my life is completely empty. Of all the friends I have, most of them have moved away and are online and I really only chat with two of them now, and even not that often. The two friends I do have offline, I either see them once in a blue moon (Jo-Ann) or every two or so weeks (Ed.) So suffice it to say, when Sunday comes around, I look forward to it ending so that I'll get to work on Monday and be around other people and have something to do.

However, I also don't want the weekend to end, because I know there's a lot of things I could be doing and I'm not getting them done. So I try to make the most of the day, while time flies by like a vulture in the sky. And once I notice the clock hits 5:30, it's like my mind suddenly clicks "Okay, from this point on, it's just another weeknight, you don't have time to do anything else."

I should also point out that on Sundays, I sleep in, so I wake up late, and then I really just don't feel like doing anything at all anyways, even if there are things I could be doing...

So today, I woke up around noon or so, and hopped online to see what I can do with this project I want to work on. As I'm doing this, I notice my free space is starting to get low, so I stop what I'm doing and burn some stuff off to DVD. I attempted to play RE:O while this was happening, but got distracted by something else, and once it was done burning, I never got around to even beginning RE:O. I hopped back online, did a bit more work with something else, and before I know it, it's almost 7:00, and most of the day is gone, and I've hardly gotten anywhere.

Now, I'm way too tired and feel like the entire day was a waste, and I had wanted to get this project off the ground by now... I don't know why I'm trying, it's not going to work... Ah well, I need sleep. So off I go. 'Night all.

So Ed picked me up from work today, and then we hit Taco Bell for a meal, before heading off to a meeting for the local chapter of the IGDA (International Game Developer's Association.) The meeting was at 7:00, but we stopped at the local comic store first so I could pick up the comics I've had the owner holding onto for me for months.

We left there probably around 6:30, and then headed off to find the meeting. It was apparently at a college, so we headed off towards the college, and got a bit lost on the way. It reminded me of the time we went looking for Time Warner to pick up Ed's Cable Modem, and couldn't find their shop anywhere, even though we followed the directions they told both Ed and his brother over the phone. But I digress... Anyway, I managed to find the college, but couldn't find the street into the college that this meeting was supposed to be taking place at...

So we drove around and around, until eventually found a route that was listed in the directions to find the place. We followed it in the opposite direction, and managed to come across a street name which was in the directions, and when we ended up finding the right building for the meeting, take a guess where it was... Right next door to the comic shop! So we drove around a half hour only to eventually end up back where we started.

We went inside, and there was about 32 people there, counting Ed and myself, and the meeting was basically a lecture from an author who wrote a book on making game characters more appealing to the players. Being a game designer (writer), I, of course, was somewhat interested in it (as far as one could be listening to a lecture) but Ed was pretty much very bored (as he isn't a game developer at all.) Once the lecture was over, there was some Q&A, and then a tour to the game research room, but basically, it wasn't as interactive as Ed had really hoped it to be.

Afterwards, he dropped me off, and here I am updating, and here I go off to bed, as I'm very tired now. So sleep well, all. 'Night.

Okay, here's a rundown over the last few days:

Wednesday:

Work was quite boring, nowhere near as amazing as Wednesday's post made it sound. But I haven't written in a long time (not since a special story I wrote for Sky that I finished in April, 2004) so I decided to have a go at it again. This post was much tamer, heh. But I digress... I called Jo-Ann to see if she'd meet me for lunch, and once again, she couldn't make it. She did say, "We'll get together outside for lunch tomorrow. Girl Scout's honor, you can hate me if I don't." I was like, "Yeah, you say that knowing full well how important my friends are to me and that I couldn't hate them." Then I got home, wrote up Wednesday post (which took me hours) and went to bed.

Thursday:


I called Jo-Ann around lunch, and surprise surprise, she couldn't make it. "What happened to Girl Scout's honor?" I asked. She said loyalty to the job is more important (even though the job doesn't pay her to work through lunch.) I was like, "You did say I can hate you now, remember?" She said I'm her friend, and so I couldn't hate her.

I decided I was going to go outside anyways even without her, so I went to one of the parking garage levels and sat on one of the ledges that overlook the street. I just needed some air and I wanted to be alone and think. I hate being alone, and God knows with the type of thoughts going through my mind lately, a ledge isn't really the best place for me to be, but que sera sera.

As I was sitting there, who do I see down on the street? Jo-Ann, walking away from the building... After lunch, I give her a call and ask her what she's wearing. She tells me a jean skirt and a shirt. I ask what color shirt, and she says yellow. I'm like, "I saw you earlier with a woman in an orange dress." She asked how and I told her. She said they had to stop at some place a distance away from work.

During afternoon break, I felt myself drawn to the ledge again, this time on the very top of the parking garage. Watched all the people on the street going about their merry lives, and the sidewalk below seems to be calling out to me seductively, but I don't quite feel ready yet to make that kind of impression.

Work ended, I headed home, and I just wasn't feeling well enough to actually post anything, so I just stayed in bed and watched Angel and Tru Calling until it was time to sleep.

Friday:

Stopped at Burger King on the way to work, we got there at about 8:40. It was a very simple order:

[For me:]
1 Medium #2 Breakfast Meal (which is a Double Sausage/Egg/Cheese, Medium Hashbrowns, Medium Coffee.)
[For my aunt and grandmother:]
1 Small coffee
2 Small hashbrowns
1 Ham sandwich
1 Bacon sandwich.

What do they bring us? One small coffee, two small hashbrowns, a double ham and a double bacon. After a lot of going back and forth, we finally get the order correct, and I make it into work exactly at 9:00.

Another boring day at work, there was practically nothing to do. Called Jo-Ann a few times, once again she couldn't make it for lunch or breaks. But I went out to the ledges again anyways without her. As I was standing there overlooking the street on the second level from the roof, my supervisor seemingly snuck up on me, and told me she was heading off and if I needed more work, I could ask two of the higher ups. She actually wasn't there to talk to me, nor was she trying to sneak up on me, it just turns out she had parked her car right near where I was sitting. Heh. When I got back to the office, Marvin told me my supervisor wanted me to know she was going to be out until 4, and I told him I ran into her in the garage. She never did she up for the rest of the day, btw.

Anyways, the day ended and it was time to head off, and like the prior night, I spent the night watching the day's episode of Angel and another Tru Calling.

Saturday:

Woke up late around 12 from a phonecall from my cousin Richard, asking if I wanted to play Resident Evil: Outbreak online. I told him to give me a call back at around 2 and we'll play (I just wanted to play through in single-player first) so I got up, got on my PC, and soon I received an IM from my friend Shawn, who was making a website, and doesn't know anything about how, so I basically had him send me all his images, and I made up the general site for him to fill in with his content. By the time I was done with this, Richard had called back and we ended up starting to play around 2:30. We died, I think, twice, then actually finished all the way once, but then we couldn't advance to the next stage, since apparently, you have to have finished it in single-player mode first. So that ended our online gaming for yesterday. Soon after I was done playing, Shawn messaged me back for more help, so I spent more time helping him. Eventually, late last night, I managed to finish the first stage in single-player mode.

Sunday:

I just woke up, and decided to hurry up and post this before something comes up again to distract me. Chances are, I'm going to play through the second stage of RE:O, watch a few more episodes of Tru Calling, and then sulk for the rest of the day in preperation for the major depression that is tomorrow.

Shawn messaged me, thanking for me help making his site yesterday, it's nice to be appreciated... He needs more help, so that's what I'll be doing for part of today.

If anything changes by the end of the night, and I feel up to it, I will update this paragraph. If not, see you all tomorrow. 'Night.

I tell you, dear readers, in all the years I've been writing this blog, I've never had a day as great as today. It all began as most days do; waking up in my bed. My wife was whispering my name and gently rubbing my forearm up and down with her fingers as it was draped down across her abdomen. I felt the warmth of her body against my chest as I blinked myself awake.

"Good morning, sleepyhead," she says with a laugh, "Are you going to spend the rest of the day in bed?"
"Depends," I reply, as I brush the hair back behind her ear, "Are you going to spend it here with me?"
I lean forward and give her a kiss on the cheek, and then begin nuzzling her neck. She starts to giggle, "Easy now," she replies, "There's no time for that. You have a long, hard day ahead of you."
"Speaking of long, har...," I start to say before she gently slaps my hand.
"Hey, it's time to get up!" she says with a laugh.
"Way ahead of you," I reply, hugging her tightly from behind.
She smiles and starts to wiggle out of my grasp. I let go and tell her to lie back down. "Wait right here," I say, "Don't move a muscle."
"Too late," she says with a smirk.
I smiled and walked out of the bedroom. I made my way to the kitchen and quickly fixed up the breakfast that she loves to eat. I place it on a tray, and carry it into the bedroom. She's still in there, petting the kittycat who had taken my spot on the bed. My wife smiles as she sees me bring her breakfast in bed.
"Thank you!" she says as she sits up straight in the bed. The kittycat jumps down onto the floor and runs off into another room. I placed the tray over her lap, and then lied back down next to her.
"Are you ready for tonight?" I ask.
"Sure am," she says with a smile, "Now remember, we're going to bring the kids by your mom's house for dinner, and she said she'll watch then for the night, but we can't forget to bring their pajamas."
"No problem," I replied, "I think I'll get all that ready while they're at school. This project doesn't need to be done for a couple more weeks, I can blow off working on it today. I'll just log on from the office and make sure everything is going according to schedule."
"Okay-dokey," she says as she finishes her breakfast.
I lift the tray off of her and place it aside, and then walk to the closet and pull out my Wednesday clothing. I place it on the stand next to the bathroom, as she shuffles through her closet looking for something pretty to wear. I smile as I watch her, and then enter the bathroom and turn on the shower water, making sure it was the perfect temperature.
I see her walking towards the bathroom, as I step out of it and back into the bedroom. I smile and bow to her as I graciously step out of her way to allow her to go first. As I start to close the door for her, she reaches out and grabs the front of my pajama shirt and pulls me inside with her.

After our shower, we both got dressed, and then got the kids ready to go to school. I serve them breakfast, and after a bit of chatter, she loads them up in the car and drives them off to school. I grab my cup and stroll into the den. I switched on my computer, and as always, I check my E-Mail.

First one was from Nicole, thanking me for the surprise discs I burned and mailed her. I'm glad she liked it, I know she wanted those files for a while. I like making my friends happy, and it's nice to feel appreciated. The next E-Mail was from someone who played the latest game I released. He wanted me to know how much he enjoyed it, and that he's looking forward to the next chapter in the series. I replied thanking him for the compliment, and letting him know the next one is being worked on now. Elliot wrote me and let know he's getting married and that he's looking forward to seeing me and the wife there. I wrote back letting him know I wouldn't miss it for the world. I ran through a few more E-Mails from friends, mostly just a few "what's up?" messages or jokes lists. I tucked away the most important ones and smiled that I haven't yet received any of this spam everyone tells me about.

Soon, the doorbell rang, and it was Devon.
"Hey, man," he says, "I just got home from work, thought I'd stop by and drop off your DVD."
"I don't know how you handle the graveyard shift," I reply with a laugh.
"It's not too bad," he says as he sits down.
"How'd you like the movie?" I ask as I checked the disc for scratches or fingerprints (it was perfect.)
"It was pretty good, thanks for letting me borrow it," he replies.
"No problem," I say before I walk into the den and slide it back into the shelf. I return to the living room and ask him if he wants to play a game.
"Sure," he says as he grabs the second controller.
The two of us played a game for a while, and soon my wife came home. She unbuttoned her jacket, hung it up, and then stood behind the couch where I was sitting and hugged me.
"What are you two playing?" she asks as she glances at the screen.
"Don't even think about it," Devon says, with a laugh, remembering the butt-whupping my better half gave him the last time she faced him in this game.
"Coward," she replies, as she curls up beside me on the couch.
I put my arm around her and hand her the controller. Devon fakes a look at his non-existant watch, and says, "Boy, would you look at the time? We've been playing for hours, there's no way I can take anyone else on in this condition," he says before yawning.
"Mhmmph!" my wife says, knowing he's just getting out of taking her on.
"I actually gotta get going," he says, "I have to meet someone for lunch. It was great hanging with you, though, I'll catch you two later on." Devon puts on his jacket as he walks towards the door.
"Coward!" my wife yells out sarcastically as he closes the door behind him.
"It's almost lunchtime, do you want something to eat?" I ask as I rub her arm up and down with my hand.
"I'm not sure if I have enough time, I still gotta head to the mall this afternoon before picking up the kids," she says as she puts her head on my chest. I kiss the top of her head and give her a hug.

Just then the doorbell rings. My wife gets up and answers it.
"Oh, hi there, Kerri," my wife says as I stand up and walk to her side.
"Hi, you two," Kerri says, "What's going on?"
"Not much here, Devon just left before I kicked his butt in the game," my wife says.
"He was trembling," I added.
Kerri giggles, "I believe it."
"Jeff not meeting you for lunch?" I ask.
"Nah," she says, "His boss has him working on a project. I told him I was going to stop by and hang out with you. I figured we could watch that movie I wanted to see."
"Good timing, Devon just returned it," I reply.

I walked out to the den and pull the disc out off the shelf. I start to head back when I overhear the two girls having what seemed to be a semi-private conversation.

"So, how are you two doing?" Kerri asks.
"Absolutely great, he planned a very romantic evening tonight," my wife says.
"Well, that sounds very nice," Kerri says with a smile.
"Definitely. He's put a lot of thought into it, there isn't anything he wouldn't do to make me happy," my wife says with a grin.
"Anything?" Kerri asks, "From that smile, I'm starting to believe it."
My wife giggles and starts to whistle innocently. "I have to thank you so much for introducing us and pushing us together. You're right, I am so lucky to end up with him," she says.
"Anything for a friend," Kerri replies.

I felt really happy, and walked back into the room and popped the disc into the player. My wife gets up and starts buttoning up her jacket.
"You're not staying for the movie?" I ask.
"Nah, you two have fun, I gotta hurry if I'm going to get everything I need for tonight before I pick up the kids at school," my wife says.
"Okay, I'll meet you back here then," I say before giving her a kiss on her way past me towards the door.
I sat back down, and Kerri and I watched the movie, and she really enjoyed it. It's great that she has the same interest in movies as we do. Afterwards, we sat and discussed the movie, television shows, and...erm...things she just had to tell me about her and Jeff. Boy, that girl is shameless. I tell her what I have planned for that evening with my wife and she's confident that she'll enjoy it.

Soon, the kids come running into the house, with the wife trailing behind with boxes. I rush over and offer to help her with the boxes.
"Bring them up to our bedroom, but do not look inside," she says.
"Okay," I say as I grab the boxes and carry them up to the bedroom and lay them down on the bed. I get back downstairs to see Kerri putting on her jacket. She gives my wife a hug and tells her to enjoy the evening. My wife thanks her as Kerri waves good-bye to me and tells me she'll talk to me later.

The kids sit down and start playing with their toys as me and the wife head upstairs to the bedroom. I close the door and sit down on the bed, and give her the skinny on what Kerri and Jeff have been up to lately. She starts undressing, as my rambling begins to slowly drift off, and then she begins shuffling through the boxes, peeking inside each one until she finds what she wants. She looks at me watching her intensely, and then hides the box behind her back. She walks over to me and lifts me, and walks me over to the door, opening it and pushing me outside. "Later," she says with a smile.

I head into the children's rooms and pack up their overnight clothing for the trip to my mom's and I carry them downstairs. I turn around to walk back upstairs, and my wife is standing at the bottom of the steps, in a beautiful long dress, looking absolutely stunning. I walk over to her and take her hand, and walk her down into the living room before giving her a passionate kiss. "You look amazing," I say. She smiles and thanks me.

We get the kids together and head out to the car, and drove off to my mom's house for dinner. It was a lovely meal, though the wife and I only ate a little since we'd be eating dinner out later. Afterwards I went into the living room and played with the children for a while as my wife and mom chit-chatted a bit. Soon, though, it was time to get going, so we hugged and kissed the kids, said goodnight, and headed off.

First, we went to the movies, and she picked that new horror movie that everyone's talking about it. We found great seats in the middle of the row, and I put my arm around her and held her hand with my other one. She jumped at all the surprises, it was very cute. Afterwards, we both agreed it was pretty good, and certainly one we'll get on DVD at some point. I suggest going out and seeing it.

Then we headed off to her favorite restaurant, where we had a beautiful, candle-lit meal. There was a lot of reaching over and holding hands, and footsie under the table. I noticed a guy at the table next to our's kept looking over at my wife and trying to flirt with her, and I motioned towards him to her with my eyes. She glanced over briefly and non-chalantly lifted her hand to her cheek so he would purposely see her wedding ring. I smiled to myself, happy that she set it straight to him that he had no chance, instead of flirting back.

After we were done with the meal, we headed back to the house. I dimmed the lights and lit the fireplace, and we snuggled up together on the couch. I held her in my arms and kissed her neck, as we lovingly expressed our affection for each other. It had started to softly rain outside, and the gentle breeze from through the window cooled us, as we tenderly carressed each other, warming ourselves underneath the light blanket.

She flipped herself over until we were face-to-face, and I could feel her heart starting to beat up against my chest, and she slowly began to unbutton my shirt. I wrapped my arms around her and kissed her passionately. Slowly, I kissed from her lips to her earlobe, gently nibbling it and then kissed down her cheek and neck, to her collarbone. I felt her starting to sway her hips and breath much heavily. She stood up and told me to wait where I was. "I'll be right back," she says, "Don't move a muscle."
"Too late," I reply with a grin.
I stand up and finish unbuttoning my shirt. I take it off and toss it aside, before kicking off my shoes as well. I lay the blanket down on the floor nicely, when I hear my name called from behind me. I turn around, to find my beautiful wife wearing the most amazing lingerie I've ever seen. If she didn't have my full attention before, she's definitely got it now. She blushes and smiles at me. "Do you like it?" She asks.
"I love it. I feel like I've died and ready to enter Heaven," I said.
She gently pushes me up against the wall and gives me a passionate kiss as she starts to undo the rest of my clothing. She softly pulls me down onto the blanket with her and asks with a grin, "What do you want?"
"To do whatever I can to make you happy," I said. I lick my lips and smile, and then give her a passionate kiss.
"And you definitely know how to do that," she says with a giggle after releasing the kiss.

After a very passionate night, we found ourselves lying there on the floor, the couch pillows under our heads, as I held her in my arms.
"I love you," she says as she lies her head down on my chest.
"I love you more than anything in the world," I replied.
She smiles, "I've never been happier than when I'm with you."
I smile and kiss the top of her head, "You make me happy on a daily basis, not a moment goes by when I don't want to be with you. I must be the luckiest guy in the world. A loving wife, wonderful children, an amazing family, and great friends... All who love me, and care about me, and make me feel important. I can't imagine what it would be like to not have those things; to not be cared about, or loved, or appreciated. This is too wonderful, it must be a dream."
"Of course you're loved," she giggles, "You deserve it, don't you?"
I smile and we fall asleep.

Suddenly, I wake up. Alone in my bed. I look around trying to understand. Where is my beautiful house? Where is my beautiful wife? How did I get here? Then it comes to me... Oh fu--------------------*sobs*

I don't have much to write about today. It was a very slow work day, had a lot of time to let my mind run wild and think about a lot of different things, some of which I'd rather not. Some things happened, and I felt sad, and I felt uncomfortable. I talked a lot to someone I would rather not have. And out of respect for their wishes, whenever our paths would cross, I did my best to avoid someone whom I miss talking to. Now I am tired, and I just want to sleep. 'Night.

Well, I took a weekend to recover from everything that's been going on, and I have to admit the weekend was fairly relaxing. Which I'm very glad about, because August is a bad month for me; I become extremely depressed. For those not keeping track, next week would have been the two-year anniversary of when me and my ex-girlfriend got together.

She really put my mind through the ringer, demoralized me beyond description, and made it so that now I don't even know when I'm coming or going sometimes. But I'm sure I'll be getting into this on the 22nd, and probably the days leading up to it. So I'll continue with this last weekend. Anyways, I kept my mind occupied by watching my Tru Calling DVD Box Set all weekend. First six episodes on Saturday, then seven episodes on Sunday.

I woke up Saturday after having a really weird dream; Shawn and I were in a music contest in High School, and we had to come up with a breakout number to beat the other team. It's funny, how in dreams we cannot do math, and letters end up all scrambled when you try to read...but music, you can remember lyrics and sounds vividly. Here I was singing Hot Rocks Polka perfectly. We never did get to go out on stage though...

Woke up probably around 12:00, after I had gotten maybe 11 hours of sleep. O_O! I really needed it. Then I did the various computer things, etc. and finally spent the rest of Saturday watching Tru Calling until it was time for sleep.

Woke up on Sunday, did a few computer things, and then began watching Tru Calling again. Sometime maybe around 2 or so, my cousin Richard gives me a call and tells me he's on his way to GameStop to pick up Resident Evil: Outbreak, and he'll give me a call when he gets home and we can play. Not two minutes after I hang up with him, Ed calls. He tells me he's getting out of work, and he'll stop by on the way home. Ed shows up for maybe 10 minutes, tells me he's tired, and he'll give me a call tonight (Monday) around the time I get home from work, and then he'll stop by (He never called, by the way...)

I watched another episode of Tru Calling, and Richard ends up calling me, so I hop on Resident Evil: Outbreak to play with him. We play through two games, and I get really tired because I still have to shave and eat dinner, so I call it a night. I went and shaved, then watched two more episodes of Tru Calling until it was time to sleep.

Woke up this morning, and actually felt a little better, less hurt than I was last week, but still very confused about what I did wrong... I mean, pieces are falling together in my head as I try to figure this out, but it doesn't make sense to me. Bleh, I don't want to talk about it. Anyways, stopped at Dunkin Donuts today, got myself a coffee and a sausage, egg, and cheese croissant.

Got into work and was sent to the mailroom. Marvin (who's 60-something) brought up this old song that he used to sing as a kid, and so did I. O_O! I had totally forgotten about it until he started singing it. Apparently there are several versions of it, but what I remembered was:

"Don't you think when a hearse goes by,
You will be the next to die,
They wrap you up in bloody sheets,
And bury you some six feet deep.

The worms crawl in, the worms crawl out,
In your stomach and out your mouth,
Your eyes fall in, your teeth decay,
And that's the end of a perfect day."

Anyways, called Jo-Ann about 15 minutes before lunch-break, like I've done practically everyday over the last two months, and once again was told she had something else she had to do and needed to work through lunch... So I ate lunch alone at my desk again... Sometime around 2:00 or so, Edgar drags me into a conversation, regarding something that happened on the news. I'm not entirely sure what, he speaks low, and with him, it's best not to listen so well. I told him I don't watch the news, and he's like, "So you have this tunnel vision of the world, huh?" He continues:

Him: "You heard about the bombing in London, right?"
Me: "Umm... I think so, is that where it was? In a subway or something."
Him: "Yeah, that's it."
Me: "My mom told me about it."
Him: "You heard about 9/11, right?"
Me: "Yeah, that one I heard of..."

He ends up telling a 9/11 story, of what was going on in the office when it happened. I soon catch my supervisor walking past me, and I pull her into my cubicle for help with something. Eventually, I call Jo-Ann back around 3:00, and she's like, "Hi. Hold on one second. *she talks to someone in her office* I gotta go, supervisor's here, needs help with someone, I'll call you back."

With Jo-Ann, 99% of the time, "I'll call you back" is code for "Something is going to come up to make me work through all my breaks and lunch, and then work overtime, and then end up meeting up with one of my girlfriends after work, and we're going to be staying out way too late, and I'll talk to you when you call me back tomorrow."

Anyways, at 5:00, I headed off, met up with my mom in front of the building, and stopped at McDonalds for something to eat. I decided to try one of those new Ranch BLT Chicken Sandwiches. I don't think I'm too impressed with it, as I've had it sitting here for 6.5 hours and I've yet to finish half of it. But the fries were good. Haven't had much of an appitite lately.

Ah well, it's late now, and neither Jo-Ann or Ed have called, which means both of my two friends had something come up and will probably talk to me tomorrow. Ed probably fell asleep after getting home from work, he's usually very reliable. Jo-Ann, of course, has something else to do, so I'll end up talking to her from/at work since getting ahold of her at home is beyond impossible.

So goodnight, all.

Got into a conversation about old-age memory loss... Made me think...

Total Recall is both a blessing and a curse.
On the good side, you never forget anything.
On the bad side, you never forget anything.

To be able to remember with crystal clarity how you felt the moment you looked into your significant other's eyes with love and knew they were the one, the moment you were pronounced man and wife, the moment your child was born or when they took their first steps... All memories that we would love to keep close to our hearts and never, ever want to forget.

But what of the bad memories? The ones that shaped who you are and make you freeze or cry when you think of them? Is it worth it to have such an amazing memory, that you practically relive even the worst emotions, fear, guilt, and mistakes that you ever made?

I have Total Recall. I may occasionally be forgetful about minor things, such as what I ate for lunch the previous day, or who's on first...but the big things, I remember them with such clarity and feel as if I'm right there in the moment, no matter how old I was at the time.

I can remember almost blowing up the apartment because I asked my mom to make some soup for me, and she told me to wait until a commercial. I said, "Okay, I'll get the stove ready for you", and proceeded to turn the gas on so that it would be all ready for my mom when she pulled out the match. By the time she got to the kitchen, I could smell it deeply, but was too young to know what it was. Thank God my mom didn't have a cold that day.

I can remember my father, high on pot, yelling at me as my face turns blue, telling me I'm worthless, and that it's my fault that I'm choking on a Gobstopper because I shouldn't be "jumping around the room flailing my arms." Thankfully, I jumped into the kitchen and made it to my mom in time. But now my tongue will not allow me to swallow medicine in pill form for fear of choking, and I haven't touched a piece of hard candy since.

I can remember being a shy third-grader, who was constantly being picked on in school, and trying to befriend a girl who seemed nice. I walked up to her at her desk as she was cutting a piece of paper and asked her whether or not she disliked me like all the rest of the kids, and she says, "I don't dislike you...I despise you." And it's no wonder why I'm afraid of befriending people, and why I hold onto my friends so tightly; They'll hate me before they even know me; and if I have one, they're too important to lose.

I can remember, the summer of '88, the whole family (Me, my mom, and my brother) take a drive out to K-Mart. We get back home to see smoke coming up near our house, drive a bit closer to see the road blocked off and my building totally ablaze. Apparently, there was a short circuit in an old air conditioner someone in the building had on. I lost my poor cat, Squeeky... Now whenever the entire family leaves the house all at once, I always worry I'm going to come home to find the house in flames. Whenever I get close to the house coming home from anywhere, I immediately look at it to make sure it's not on fire. And I never, ever leave the house without first unplugging the air conditioner.

And I have so many more memories just as bad, and I don't understand why I'm being forced to remember them. Why must I be "blessed" with Total Recall? Why can't I be like most people and either forget or "block out" their traumatic experiences? Why am I not being allowed to forget? With the exception of the one in 1988 (17 years ago) these all happened over 20 years ago. And I must still keep them ingrained in my head? Keeping them from allowing me to live a normal, social life? Whatever wrongs I must have done in a past life or this one, I am a good person now...

I pray for amnesia, so that I may end this life, and continue anew without the fear and pain...

"I just want to forget... forget..it..all..." - Platina - "Valkyrie Profile"

Talked to Jo-Ann on the phone earlier, she didn't end up getting home until 11:30 last night, and the answering machine must have been full, which is why it never picked up. She couldn't meet me for lunch or breaks due to some kind of meeting. But she says she'll call me tonight. It's already 8:00, so let's see if she comes through...

The girl I had a crush on, who left on Wednesday, before she left, she sent out a very touching mass-E-Mail to someone, for them to pass along to everyone in the office. They finally did earlier, and I got it, and it was really sad. She'd been there for 6.5 years, and will miss everyone, and enjoyed her farewell party, and all this other stuff that was very emotional. I really wish I had gotten to know her...

Marvin asked me what's wrong earlier, because I haven't been as talkative the last couple days. I can't believe he can already tell when something's not right with me... I said I've just been really tired (Which is the truth, actually, I was practically falling asleep until lunch time.) I hate having to put up a wall and keep people at a distance, but I can't keep letting myself get hurt by letting people get close, and get to know me, and then reject me. I have to protect myself... I don't know what to do...

I think I will take the next couple of days off, hopefully the weekend will let me de-stress and regroup, this week has been Hell for me. I'm tired of being depressed, and tired of starting to get over my insecurities and then being shoved back into them. Maybe I can start off next week feeling as happy as I was a week ago today. I doubt it, but it's a nice dream. I'll be back soon, don't forget me. But maybe if I'm lucky, I'll forget...it...all...

I woke up this morning and headed to work very late, as my aunt did not have work and didn't need to be in until 8:30. So I ended up leaving the house at 8:25, and got there about five minutes to 9. I did my work, called Jo-Ann at around noon, and we planned to get out the movies later that night.

At around 4:00, I call her back and she said she had to work overtime, because she had six left of whatever it was that she was doing, and they take about 20 minutes each. So she had to stay until six. It was decided that I would hang out in the office playing my Nintendo DS until about 5:55, and then give her a call and meet her in the lobby.

So after work, I got everything ready, and stopped by Marvin's cubicle to talk to him for a bit. We ended up in a couple different conversations, when my supervisor notices me.

Supervisor: "Shouldn't you be gone?"
Me: "Yup, but I'm meeting a friend on the sixth floor at 6:00, so I'm just hanging out until then."
Supervisor: "Oh, okay, I thought you just lost track of time."
Me: "Nope, hehe, I'm keeping an eye on it."
Supervisor: "Okay. I just saw you and it looked unusual."
Marvin: "Yeah, we're used to you being gone by now."

So at five minutes to 6, I called Jo-Ann, and she said she was heading down to the lobby then. So I dashed off to meet her. I met up with her, we went across the street and caught the bus. It wasn't one of those normal, long busses. Nope, it was some weird short thing, and we had to stand and hold the handrail. We made our way to near her house, because she needed to stop home and pick up some items that were shipped to her from the people across the street who took them into their house so nothing would happen to them.

We got there, and I had to stay hidden, since these people holding the items are like, total gossipers, and they know Jo-Ann's husband. I've talked to the guy on the phone in the past, and he knows I'm no threat, but Jo-Ann doesn't need the rumors spread around that she was with some guy anyways. The people took their sweet time getting her the items, that we missed the bus to the mall, so she called a cab to pick us up and drop us off instead.

When we got to the mall, we hit Hot Dog Charlies, and we talked for a bit as she repeatedly told me to eat faster, since she knows how slow it takes me to eat and the movie was starting soon. She will not watch horror movies, which I love, but we ended up settling on Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. Once we got in the theater, we just sat there and watched.

Charlie and the Chocolate Factor.

Many differences from the original movie, I hear this one was made closer to the book than the original movie. Apparently, the guy Burton got to write the movie did not see the original until after this one was done, and once he saw it, he said the original was a lot darker. Wow, a movie darker than a Burton version. I didn't think it was possible. There were parts I remember looking forward to from the original that just didn't happen in the Burton version (What, no chicken with it's head being chopped off?!) but there were some funny moments. I liked it as a comparison, but not sure if I would prefer it over the original. I guess I'd have to see the original again.

After the movie, Jo-Ann and I headed out of the theater, I called my mom to pick me up, and Jo-Ann took the bus back home (she said she insists in taking the bus rather than being dropped off by us, she claims she needed to stop at CVS and Price Chopper.) She told me to call her at 10:30, and I tried, but there was no answer, not even the machine picked up.

I'm amazed she actually came through. I've only actually seen Jo-Ann twice since I started this job, even though she works in the same building. She is always too much of a workaholic to meet me for lunch or breaks. She apparently hangs out outside with some of her female co-workers sometimes, though. When I started the job, she told me she'd hang out with me atleast once a week at lunch. She's only done it once so far, despite calling her most everyday to see if she would hang out with me. Always too busy. Let's hope her actually meeting up with me is the start of hanging out with me again, as she did at our last job together five years ago.

Anyways, I got home, and now I'm very tired, and I need some sleep. So good night everyone.

I went to bed early (for me lately, atleast,) woke up still rather tired, and headed off to work. Got there and hung out in the cafetaria playing Canvas Curse, the girl I kinda liked came in (back from her vacation) and sat down with the big guy she often meets in there. I had a disc I wanted to give Erin, but seeing that she wasn't with this other girl like she had been in the past, I figured I should stop by her desk to see if she was there. She wasn't, so I stopped by the bathroom, then headed back to the cafetaria for another five minutes. Then with five minutes left, I headed to check, and Erin was there now. I gave her the disc (I think she forgot me mentioning on Friday I would bring it for her,) and then because the clock was mysteriously 9:00 already, I headed to my desk so I wouldn't get her in trouble.

Sometime during the day, Marvin tells me he set up a rack in the convenience store on the third floor, and that I should go down to check it out. He's a photographer, takes a lot of pictures of nature and animals, etc. and then prints them out on really high quality glossy paper with good ink. So at around 3:10 or so, I headed downstairs and checked it out, it's nice I guess, as far as racks go. I counted how many pictures were left on each holder, and apparently he hadn't sold any yet. I bought some gummy bears and gummy worms while I was down there, they were 2 for $1.00 and didn't contain nearly as much to justify the price.

The card was passed around for that girl who's leaving, and after signing it, I didn't know who to give it to, since everyone seemed to have seen it already. So I asked Erin, hoping she'd know (being her best friend and all) and she told me who she believed it was. Except this other girl had already left for the day. O_O! Erin seemed kinda flustered, and I got worried something bad was going on...

At the end of the day, I was planning on giving her a bit of information on that disc I made her, but she left a bit early with that girl who's leaving. I hope she's okay...

Afterwards, my aunt had my brother in the car when I got out of work, and brought the two of us to Sam's Club, where I picked up that new Ghostbusters 1 & 2 DVD box set with the special artbook for a mere $12. As well as a 100-pack of Slim Jims. Yum! Then we headed over to Best Buy, where I managed to snag Tru Calling Seasons 1 and 2. I got $10 off for buying them both together. I also got Clue for $7. It was a good movie for $7. Heh.

After that, I headed to FYE and was able to cash in that $10-off coupon I got a couple weeks back on Tanya Donelly's Whiskey Tango Ghosts. So now I'm all caught up on her albums. Afterwards, we stopped at Taco Bell and I got my usual, a T4 (Taco Pizza and two Super Tacos.) I swear, the pictures on the menu are such liers. The Pizzas are so darned small...

It's very strange. Before I started working this job, I had all my time to myself. Sure, I did my freelance work, but that was basically whenever I was up to doing it. Didn't want to do it today? Okay, fine, I'll do it tomorrow or the day after that. Other than that, I could do anything I wanted anytime, and I still always felt like I never had enough time to do anything.

Now, I have a "real" job, even less time to myself, and what happened on the weekends? I'm freakin' bored out of my skull. I either sit here surfing the web at the same ol' sites I was already at, or I lie here playing a game which I could be playing on break at work (Canvas Curse.) And it's not that there's anything wrong with the game, it's very good actually, and God knows I have some other 80+ games I haven't even touched yet that are waiting for me.

I'm actually waiting for the weekend to be over to go back to work so I'll have something to do. How sad is that? It's scary... I do not want to end up like Marvin, who goes in at 9:00 in the morning and then stays until 8:00 at night. *Sighs*

So suffice it to say, nothing has happened today except for surfing the web, burning a CD, and playing Canvas Curse. I received my Socom 3 beta finally, but haven't really been up for trying it out.

A little birdy told me that my ex-girlfriend says she is doing "excellent". I'm happy for her. It's nice to know her life seems to be coming together,...now that I'm no longer in it...

You know, I have to wonder about things sometimes... Practically every female friend I ever talk to, once they learn my feelings about love and coupling, they usually say things akin to "Any girl would love to have a guy like you", and "You're going to make some girl really happy some day", or "Whoever ends up with you is going to be a lucky girl." I find it both amusing and depressing. It would seem every girl wants a guy like me, but apparently none of them actually want me. It's a mad world.

Woke up this morning, got to work around 8:45 and then walked around the office with Erin discussing movies. She's a fellow Donnie Darko fan, hehehe. I was surprised, I know Donnie Darko has a huge cult following, but you don't really meet much of them. Hehe. After that, it was some working, and then I stopped by her desk again during break and we got to talking music, which surprised her a lot that we listen to a lot of the same music, especially more obscure (it would seem) artists, like James. One of the supervisors told her I can't visit on my break anymore, since her break wasn't at the same time, and I feel bad I got her in trouble.

We walked around during lunch, talking about books, games, past ambitions, etc. and then afterwards I asked if she wanted to get together after work and hang out. She said sure, so I called and made sure my mom knew I didn't need a ride home from work. At the end of the day, we hooked up at her desk, and headed off to the bar we went to before with the group.

We got there and took a table in the corner, and just talked about a whole lot of things, having something to eat in between. Though, my food kinda lasted a long time (Tex-Mex Nachos,) between picking onions out of it, and finding time to actually eat it between sentances, hehe. I found myself talking quite a lot, as I have a tendancy to ramble sometimes. I really hope I didn't bore her, I kinda lose track of time during conversations sometimes, heh. We did have a lot of laughs, and I had fun, I hope she did too.

Afterwards, she dropped me off at home, we thanked each other, and she headed off for home. I hope she did well finding her way back to a familiar area, as she hasn't experience in my part of the town. But, now I'm home, and I'm very tired, so I'm heading to sleep. Good night all.

Got about five and a half hours of sleep last night. Arrived to work at about 8:20 to find Erin was already there at her desk, she got in around 7:30 or so. O_O! Couldn't sleep due to nightmares. She has some really weird dreams. There was one where her ex-boyfriend was the leader of a cannibal cult, and they were all going to eat her. It was freaky, but very interesting. Anyways, she was reading a local entertainment newspaper, and noticed an ad for a concert, and got really excited. She ran to her boyfriend, bouncing the whole time, asking him if they would go. They're on, so that'll be nice for her, she really seems to be looking forward to it. Then we headed back to her desk and read the horoscopes, and talked a bit about a few other things before I was sent to the mailroom.

After the mailroom, I stopped by Erin's desk, since all the supervisors were in a meeting and I had no work to do. We chit-chatted a little bit, and I make a joke which brought us onto a topic which she's apparently sensitive about, and I'm afraid I may have accidently offended her.

Afterwards, her and another co-worker (the one who got married the day before) took break together about 25 minutes later, and I have to say it is certainly an...interesting...experience to hear the type of things a couple of girls will talk about when they're off alone together. Heh.

At the end of the day, I stopped by her desk to say goodnight, but she was already gone. O_O! I stopped at K-Mart on the way home and ended up getting the original Sly Cooper new for a mere $7.99. Sweeeet.

And now, speaking of Horoscopes earlier; stolen from Kelli Fox, my Karma Profile:

Cancer Karma Profile:

Cancer is an emotionally intuitive, caring and nurturing energy. A real homebody, Cancer prefers staying in to going out, since staying in provides all the comforts of home: good cooking, a comfy couch, family and friends. Family is one of Cancer's great interests and concerns in life, whether the connection is positive or troubled. One of Cancer's most famous traits is being sensitive and moody. All that deep emotionalism can easily translate itself into over-sensitivity to the emotional states of others. If a Cancer is around someone who is irritable or tense, suddenly Cancer is irritable and tense as well. It is most important for a Cancer to learn to build better personal boundaries to protect against this sensitive nature. If Cancers can learn to emotionally self-regulate a bit better, no one will ever have cause to call them moody again!

Just because they're emotional doesn't mean they're pushovers. In fact, Cancers can be quite tenacious and they love getting their way. If kindness doesn't work, they just may resort to emotional manipulations to try to get things going. If they end up not getting what they were after, they can become vindictive. Cancers are excellent at holding a grudge, but must try to stop and ask themselves, "What do I gain from maintaining a grudge against someone?" The answer is, nothing. Keeping anger alive and thriving inside oneself is a hugely taxing endeavor, a real drain on energy and has no real payoff. Cancer would do well to remember that the next time things don't go as planned.

Cancer's deeply emotional nature comes from its ruling Element, Water, and Planet, the Moon. Water refers to the depths of our unconscious minds, and under the Moon's cool light, everything is shadowed, subjective. Cancer is very in touch with its emotions, but may tend to give more time to negative ones and has a tendency to brood. Again, why always look on the dark side of things? Like the Chinese symbols of yin and yang, life is a balance of light and dark, positive and negative, active and passive. To lean too far to one extreme is to upset the natural balance. One of Cancer's strengths is lending others a nurturing, sympathetic ear; perhaps when brooding sets in, it would help for Cancer to turn that energy outward, away from the self and toward someone else. Feeling sorry for oneself doesn't do any good; like nursing a grudge, it merely amounts to time and energy wasted.

Cancer places a high value on security of all kinds; whether it's financial or romantic, Cancer wants to know it can count on the important things in life. This love of security and the attendant fear of the unknown can result in quite a possessive streak. Possessiveness is just one more thing that is a waste of one's personal energy. Material possessions don't make us more or less worthy; a lover's fidelity can't be assured by clinging to them possessively. Cancer must learn to accept a certain level of unpredictability in life, as the one thing that never changes is change itself.

Aries possesses an abundance of the light, energetic joie de vivre that Cancer may lack, and can teach Cancer to experience emotions in an immediate way and then let them go. Libra can teach Cancer about balancing those turbulent emotions, and Capricorn can show Cancer the benefits of abandoning emotions in favor of determined hard work.

Woke up kinda tired this morning, but rushed around getting ready to head off to work. Got there and played Kirby's Canvas Curse in the cafetaria for a while, then stopped by Erin's desk to talk with her before 9:00 came along. She was telling me about how a co-worker of her's was getting married in secret that day. They were supposed to get married this Saturday, with Erin and others being in the wedding, but this co-worker didn't want the family finding out. At first, I had concerns over who "the family" was, as, rumor has it, the groom is a gang member (I can only image how dangerous "Speak now, or forever hold your piece" could have been...) but apparently, it was just her normal family. Anyways, they were planning on doing it in secret that day at a justice of the peace instead.

An envelope was passed around taking money for a good-bye gift/cake/etc. for the girl I kinda liked, who will be leaving next week (she's out on vacation until Monday,) so I went to Erin to ask how much is good to put in. She said probably around $2, but I stuck in $3. What can I say, she was nice, I liked her, and it's sad she's going. It was a nice thing to do, I think...

Afterwards, I asked if Erin had heard from the other co-worker about the wedding, and she said no, since he hadn't come in. I figured it would be an afternoon wedding, and she'd have left for the second half of the day, but nah, she didn't come in. Being that Erin, the girl I kinda liked, and the co-worker who's getting married would spend their lunch breaks walking around outside, I knew Erin would have nobody to walk with, so I asked her if she wanted to hang out with me on lunch, I'd take a walk with her.

So lunch came, and we went outside and walked around the garage, as we talked about things I'm not really going to get into here. Ah, the sun, I don't often see you... Brave Helios, wake up your steeds, bring us the warmth the countryside needs! Anyways, I enjoyed it, I liked talking to and hanging out with her. Hopefully we'll do it again sometime. Afterwards, we headed back to the office, and I talked to her a bit at her desk, about astrology and various other stuff. Since I didn't really take a break in the morning, I kinda allowed that to extend my lunch break for a little while. She said not to worry about the time, as most of the office spends a lot of time chit-chatting. She's starting to be a bad influence on me, I think. Hehehe.

Afterwards, I headed back to my desk and looked around for my supervisor so I could get more work. She was nowhere to be found, and I got sucked into a conversation with Edgar again. I swear, he's starting to get me to loosen up or something, I wasn't as...restrained as I normally am...I'm a tad worried...

Eventually one of the higher-ups saw me and asked if I needed work, and I said yeah, I was looking for my supervisor to get some, but she's not at my desk. So she walked me down to a different supervisor and asked about work for me, then turned back and headed back to my supervisor's desk. I began following her, when Erin saw me and asked if I was wandering around. I began telling her what was going on, when the higher-up called me over, and perhaps it's just a little paranoia, but I swear I detected a bit of disapproval in her voice when she said my name the second time...

After that, I started on my work, when a co-worker approached me for help as to how to do something in Word. So as I was showing her that, I received a phonecall telling me that they finally received my ID Card, and for me to stop down and pick it up. I did not realize they wanted me to go at that moment, so I continued helping the co-worker, when eventually a man stopped by and dropped off my ID Card. When I got back to my desk, I found an E-Mail from Erin asking what time I go on my second break, and if I wanted to join her for it, so I said sure.

As it turns out, her boyfriend showed up at her desk soon after I replied, so he ended up walking with us. Walking with her on afternoon break is like, something he's never done but once before apparently. But she was very happy, and they made plans for a vacation next weekend. But we walked off to the roof and I listened to them talk for a while before we all headed back to the office. I headed back to my desk, finished off my work, and then stopped by Erin's desk before the day ended to say goodnight. She was planning on splitting out a bit early, meet up with a few friends for coffee, which is something she hasn't done in like a year (or was that drink coffee? I'm tired now, I can't remeeeeeeeeember.)


I haven't been out to a coffee place in like...almost 10 years. But, that's another story for another time. I actually wrote about that in Entry 24 of my old hard-covered journal. I started writing the Journal back in late Spring of 1995. Ryan, Don and I had gone to see "The Basketball Diaries" (a movie starring Leo DiCarpio as Jim Carroll, the musician who wrote that song "People Who Died". -- I was a fan of his music long before the movie, btw.)

Ryan was a friend from school, very quiet, extremely artistic. My artwork looks like it was done by a child compared to Ryan's talents. He was part of the circle of friends that included Ethan (who set me up with Heather, and Norton who was just completely off his rocker for most of the time I knew him.)

Don was our English/Music teacher. He was lead singer and guitarist in a local band (I have their CD, heh,) and the one who started teaching me how to play guitar in music class. He was very liberal, and one who could never accept that I was a conservative, since I do not behave like one (long hair, white stripe, rock T-Shirts, rebellious, music stylings, some of my views, etc.) I'm not a typical conservative, very unconventional. It just totally blew his mind. But anyways, him, Ryan and I hung out a bit.

So one night the three of us went and saw the Basketball Diaries, and then headed back to his house, where he hung out on his roof with a couple of others (his roommate, brother, and the guy who would later become my English teacher once I was in 12th grade (Don was leaving at the end of the school year to teach children in some foreign nation as part of some kind of peace corp. or something.)) During the end-of-year field trip to Canada, I happened upon Ryan as he was writing in his journal which the movie had inspired him to do, so I started one as well.