Kain's Domain

Just got home from the oral surgeon. Erin was right; I didn't die. Though, right now I feel like I did. My head is spinning at the moment, it feels very light-headed, and I have a headache... I also have a weird feeling in my mouth from where my teeth were, and the blood is clotting... I keep ending up with a tongue coated with blood... I can't eat anything that's hot or not soft, so I'm basically restricted to pudding and yogurt.

I got there, and they brought me into this room and hooked me up to this machine, and then left me there as I watched my heartbeat rate and pulse. Generally they hovered between 60-65, but I was having a bit of fun trying to slow it down and speed it up. I managed to get them down to 50 and up to about 75-80. It was more difficult to slow down my heartbeat than it was to speed it up.

Then they came in and asked if I wanted laughing gas, and I said I was supposed to be knocked out, and they said they were going to give me the works. So they put this mask over my nose, and it didn't make me laugh at all even once. Then they stuck this needle in my hand, and soon I could actually feel inside my body, the numbness working it's way through it. I'm fuzzy on how much time has passed, but the surgeon was soon wiggling my tooth, and the next thing I know, I'm coming to, my glasses are back on, and they're sticking gauze strip thingies in my mouth.

So my mom drove me home, and here I am, and I thought I'd come on now matter what state I'm in, and let everyone know I'm still alive. Damn. Why'd Erin have to be right?

And yes, I'm kinda talking to Erin again on occasion, but just because I am doesn't mean I'm going to write about it, as I still plan on respecting her wishes and not write about her often, even if she's not reading my blog anymore. I missed talking to her, and I don't like ignoring the people I care about.

At the beginning of last week, a couple days after I started hanging out on the garage ledges, I happened to notice as I was looking down on the street, that she was sitting on the bench in front of the entrance. So I sucked up the uncomfortability I had been feeling lately, walked up to her, and said hello. She said hi back and asked how I was doing, and I told her and asked back. She was telling me about how her kitty cat was sick and going to the vet... We discussed some more stuff and walked up to the office.

Over that last week, I walked up to her on occasion when I noticed her sitting alone at lunch or when I just wanted to know how her kittycat was doing. I'm an animal-lover, especially cats, and I had lost two cats in the past, Cocoa who was really sick and had to be put to sleep, and Squeeky who was in my first apartment when it burned down. So I know how tough it can be when you're worried about losing someone you love, and how sad it is for such a great animal to pass on...

On Monday, when I asked how the kitty was doing, it turns out that she was too sick and had to be put to sleep. I know it's better that now the kitty is not in pain and suffering anymore, but it's just very sad... I wish I could have done something... You know, I'm an artist, I could have made an image and auctioned if off to raise the money, with all proceeds going to save the kitty. Yeah, I know if she heard that, she'd probably get mad and think I would be putting time and energy into her, but it's got nothing to do with that. To me, it's about doing what's right and helping...

Anyways, yesterday, I approached her at her desk to ask her if she's take a walk with me, but she declined, saying she had to meet the big guy in the cafetaria. She asked what was up, and I told her about my worries with the oral surgeon, and she said I shouldn't worry about it (though, it didn't help that I later overheard her say to the big guy that she was sick and doesn't want to go to the hospital because "they'd have to knock me out, and look at what happened to my cat"...)

But I continued, saying that I wanted to tell her something while I still had the chance incase I didn't get to tell her in the future, and then I apologized for everything I had put her through. I didn't want to leave behind anyone I care about without apologizing for the wrongs I've done. Well, except Sky, because trying to make peace with her is like adding gasolene to fire. Anyway, Erin said not to worry about it, and that I wasn't going to die.

I have to admit, I'm not sure what she was referring to with "don't worry about it" that second time. Not to worry about what I put her through, or the operation, or both. I'm also rather confused as to how we stand right now... She doesn't seem uncomfortable around me anymore, but then, I haven't been as clingy as I was before, like I usually am with new friends. I really only talk to her once a day now, if that.

We've had a few conversations where she seemed in a good mood talking to me, like when we were discussion books she read and a movie she saw, so it doesn't seem like she hates me as much as I thought... She obviously still feels I'm not good enough to be her friend, though... She never approaches me to talk like before, it's only if I happen to start talking to her first. And that's okay, I guess, I wouldn't want to try to have someone as my friend who doesn't want me as one. So the ball's in her court now...

Tried to catch Steph last night, but she was at her friend's house again. Now that she's back in school, she seems to be spending a lot of time working on projects and hanging out with Trevor. She told me about a week ago that she was very proud of me because of my job and stuff. So that was nice. This weekend I'm going to try to burn a disc for her of stuff she wanted, now that I've got the Hard Drive space back to be able to copy it to HD so I can burn it. Then I'll have to get down to the post office to mail it out, though.

Mike, I hadn't talked to in several weeks, due to my job tying up all my time and then being drop-dead tired when I get home. I used to talk to him for hours every single night, and I feel like I've deserted him sometimes when I go without talking to him for long. When I talked to him last night, he was happy to hear from me again, and we caught up on gaming stuff. He's trying to work on creating a game, which I know will be tough, I'd never attempt to make the type he wants to, I couldn't be able to do it...

Jo-Ann, I haven't been able to get on the phone (at work, I never get her on the phone at home) in several days. I call and it usually goes straight to her away message. I have run into her in the convienance store on the third floor a couple times on my way back from hanging out on the ledge during lunch and break, though. I ran into her two days ago there, as she was with one of her co-workers, some woman in her 50s or something. Later on the phone, Jo-Ann told me that this co-worker said I was a really nice, polite guy. Heh...

I got scolded by one of the higher-up supervisors yesterday. On Wednesday, one of my co-workers came to me for help working on inputting stuff in a Word table. The woman who used to handle it prior kept it really messy and very difficult for the new woman to update. So I told her to send me the document, and I'd clean up the table in a way so that she'd be able to update it easier. I did that, but as it turns out, the supervisor needed to present it yesterday at a meeting, and because the "header" wasn't on the top of the latest page, she was upset. The way the form was before I touched it also had a header problem, but that's beside the point, I had cleaned up the form without asking first. So she came to me and told me in the future to talk to her first before changing a form. She said it nicely, but make no mistake about it, it was a scolding...

"No good deed goes unpunished" is the story of my life, I guess...

Anyways, I'm tired, and feeling totally out of it, despite nodding off many, many times during writing this. Heh. I just wanted to let everyone know I'm alive and well. Okay, alive atleast... So I'm going to head off to get some rest now and hope I don't wake up with a mouth full of blood... I think I may take the weekend off to fully recover. 'Night all.