Kain's Domain

Got into a conversation about old-age memory loss... Made me think...

Total Recall is both a blessing and a curse.
On the good side, you never forget anything.
On the bad side, you never forget anything.

To be able to remember with crystal clarity how you felt the moment you looked into your significant other's eyes with love and knew they were the one, the moment you were pronounced man and wife, the moment your child was born or when they took their first steps... All memories that we would love to keep close to our hearts and never, ever want to forget.

But what of the bad memories? The ones that shaped who you are and make you freeze or cry when you think of them? Is it worth it to have such an amazing memory, that you practically relive even the worst emotions, fear, guilt, and mistakes that you ever made?

I have Total Recall. I may occasionally be forgetful about minor things, such as what I ate for lunch the previous day, or who's on first...but the big things, I remember them with such clarity and feel as if I'm right there in the moment, no matter how old I was at the time.

I can remember almost blowing up the apartment because I asked my mom to make some soup for me, and she told me to wait until a commercial. I said, "Okay, I'll get the stove ready for you", and proceeded to turn the gas on so that it would be all ready for my mom when she pulled out the match. By the time she got to the kitchen, I could smell it deeply, but was too young to know what it was. Thank God my mom didn't have a cold that day.

I can remember my father, high on pot, yelling at me as my face turns blue, telling me I'm worthless, and that it's my fault that I'm choking on a Gobstopper because I shouldn't be "jumping around the room flailing my arms." Thankfully, I jumped into the kitchen and made it to my mom in time. But now my tongue will not allow me to swallow medicine in pill form for fear of choking, and I haven't touched a piece of hard candy since.

I can remember being a shy third-grader, who was constantly being picked on in school, and trying to befriend a girl who seemed nice. I walked up to her at her desk as she was cutting a piece of paper and asked her whether or not she disliked me like all the rest of the kids, and she says, "I don't dislike you...I despise you." And it's no wonder why I'm afraid of befriending people, and why I hold onto my friends so tightly; They'll hate me before they even know me; and if I have one, they're too important to lose.

I can remember, the summer of '88, the whole family (Me, my mom, and my brother) take a drive out to K-Mart. We get back home to see smoke coming up near our house, drive a bit closer to see the road blocked off and my building totally ablaze. Apparently, there was a short circuit in an old air conditioner someone in the building had on. I lost my poor cat, Squeeky... Now whenever the entire family leaves the house all at once, I always worry I'm going to come home to find the house in flames. Whenever I get close to the house coming home from anywhere, I immediately look at it to make sure it's not on fire. And I never, ever leave the house without first unplugging the air conditioner.

And I have so many more memories just as bad, and I don't understand why I'm being forced to remember them. Why must I be "blessed" with Total Recall? Why can't I be like most people and either forget or "block out" their traumatic experiences? Why am I not being allowed to forget? With the exception of the one in 1988 (17 years ago) these all happened over 20 years ago. And I must still keep them ingrained in my head? Keeping them from allowing me to live a normal, social life? Whatever wrongs I must have done in a past life or this one, I am a good person now...

I pray for amnesia, so that I may end this life, and continue anew without the fear and pain...

"I just want to forget... forget..it..all..." - Platina - "Valkyrie Profile"

Talked to Jo-Ann on the phone earlier, she didn't end up getting home until 11:30 last night, and the answering machine must have been full, which is why it never picked up. She couldn't meet me for lunch or breaks due to some kind of meeting. But she says she'll call me tonight. It's already 8:00, so let's see if she comes through...

The girl I had a crush on, who left on Wednesday, before she left, she sent out a very touching mass-E-Mail to someone, for them to pass along to everyone in the office. They finally did earlier, and I got it, and it was really sad. She'd been there for 6.5 years, and will miss everyone, and enjoyed her farewell party, and all this other stuff that was very emotional. I really wish I had gotten to know her...

Marvin asked me what's wrong earlier, because I haven't been as talkative the last couple days. I can't believe he can already tell when something's not right with me... I said I've just been really tired (Which is the truth, actually, I was practically falling asleep until lunch time.) I hate having to put up a wall and keep people at a distance, but I can't keep letting myself get hurt by letting people get close, and get to know me, and then reject me. I have to protect myself... I don't know what to do...

I think I will take the next couple of days off, hopefully the weekend will let me de-stress and regroup, this week has been Hell for me. I'm tired of being depressed, and tired of starting to get over my insecurities and then being shoved back into them. Maybe I can start off next week feeling as happy as I was a week ago today. I doubt it, but it's a nice dream. I'll be back soon, don't forget me. But maybe if I'm lucky, I'll forget...it...all...