Kain's Domain

So today started out like any other day, woke up tired, dragged myself out of bed and to the shower, etc. Got to work, and the day began as usual. Well, usual for this last week atleast... I arrive at work on average around a half-hour early every day, and usually I hang out in the office cafetaria and play my Nintendo DS. Except, I stopped doing that last Wednesday, for two reasons:

• First, Monday is the day I came down with that cold, and I was out on Tuesday. So once Wednesday came along, I didn't want to be in an environment, such as a cafetaria, where I could spread my cold to people. I am still not fully over my cold (I still have a cough and stuffed nose...)
• Second, the girl I'm attracted to usually hangs out in there before work as well, often talking to this bigger man (her boyfriend perhaps?) Monday is the day I found out that she's already involved with another guy... So since any possibility there is dead, I just wanted to spend time allowing the "stars" to dissipate a little bit to make it easier on me...

What are the stars, you ask? It's difficult for me to explain... I guess it's easiest just to say that the stars are what guides me in love. Everyone out there looks at other people and find them either physically attractive or not. It's just something that God, or Nature, or whoever's in charge of the grand design puts into us. But for me, just because a girl is attractive, it doesn't mean I would want to have a relationship (neither romantic or sexual) with her. What tells me that the girl is someone I want to pursue, is if I look at her and I see stars.

It doesn't even have to be physical attraction. Personality is a must, and then it's a combination of other things, such as body language, wit, quirkiness, perhaps her smile, or my personal weaknesses (hair color, style of dress, etc.) In fact, my taste in girls is practically the complete opposite of most men. I don't fall head-over-heels for the sultry, sexbomb-type with breasts big enough to get their own zip code. I like the sweet, innocent, fresh-faced, no-makeup, girl-next-door types...

This used to drive my ex-girlfriend completely up a wall. She'd show me pictures of supermodels she'd find online, and be like, "Wow, she's so beautiful", and I'd look at the girl and reply, "I suppose, I don't think she's all that special." And she'd be like, "Yeah, right, that's what you always say, stop being so fake!" I'd show her a girl I think is attractive, and she'd be like, "Eww..." *Sighs*

But, I digress... Anyways, I have no control over the stars, they just happen (well, that's not entirely true, I seem to have minimal control in a non-direct way, in that they don't show up on multiple girls at once, and if I'm involved with a girl, they'll never show up on another girl, only my girlfriend.) But in a round-about way, that's my explaination of the "stars". Just a little romantic nonsense, I guess.

Anyways, I haven't been going to the cafetaria in the mornings because like I said, I didn't want to spread my cold and to let the stars dissipate (which they seem to be doing fairly well.) Today, I got into work and headed to my desk, turned on the fan and dropped off my book and camera (more on that later,) and then headed to the bathroom due to a stomach-ache. I passed the girl I liked and the girl I've been talking to on the way, and I was happy to see the latter.

She recently came out of a bad relationship, with a guy who totally broke her heart (I don't know the entire story yet, but basically he really did a number on her.) It's sad, she seems like a really nice girl... But as I mentioned several posts ago, she had the week off. On Thursday, I saw her at work because a co-worker of our's was having her goodbye party (she left for another organization) and this other girl came in that day for her party to see her off.

I talked with her for a bit at the party to discover that her ex-boyfriend has been stalking her all week... She had taken the week off to go somewhere with him, and he took the tickets back when she broke up with him for good. So he'd been using his week off to stalk her. O_O! Broke into her E-Mail, her LiveJournal, following her around... It's horrible.

I asked her if he was dangerous, and she said she didn't know. I was like, "What I mean is, are you safe?" And she said she didn't know, but that she could probably take him if it came to that. Which is certainly good news. But her not knowing if she was safe or not kinda had me a bit worried, since I'd hate to see him try to do anything to her. Which is why I was happy to see her in today.

I talked to her a bit throughout the day, and as it turns out, the girl whom I kinda liked is training her to pick up her job once she leaves in 7 days. Which is a job that this other girl isn't in too much of a hurry to take. And it seems to me like a lot of responsibility... But I didn't talk to her much today, since I knew she was training. But I did want to tell her what happened last week regarding a co-worker, so I asked if I could walk her to her car and I could tell her there (there are some topics you just don't discuss over E-Mail.)

The story basically goes like this. I have a co-worker, I'll call him..."Marvin". Okay, so Wednesday I'm working and Marvin makes a comment to me about girls, and I can't really remember what it is now, but at the time, I didn't think much of it. Then on Thursday, I'm sitting at my desk, being trained by a female co-worker, and Marvin happens to pass by and gives this look, before saying to us "Wow, you're lucky, I don't get a pretty girl sitting at my desk." Again, innocent comment, you know? But then on Friday, things start to fall into place, atleast in my mind.

See, Marvin is a photographer, and he takes a lot of pictures of nature which he sells. He's not good at coming up with titles, so he asks co-workers. Me and Edgar would help, and there was one inparticular picture of a flower and a butterfly, where the flower looks like it was an erupting volcano top shooting lava into the air, and the butterfly was sitting inside it. He calls me to his desk when he see me, and says that one of the supervisors came up with a great name for it; "Pole Dancer." I was like, "Yeah, that kinda fits." And he says, "Well, I figured you'd like it, what with your philosophy on females."

This raises an eyebrow for me. My "philosophy on females"? What does he even know about that, I've never discussed such things with him... And then my mind flashes back to what this girl I've been getting to know told me about Edgar. She said he was making stuff up about my sex life and telling people about it. Had he told this to Marvin?

So later I go and ask him, "What exactly is my philosophy on females?"
He laughs, and manages to squeek out, "Well, just your interest in them."
"My interest in them? Why, because I'm straight?", I reply.
He laughs.
"I know Edgar likes to portray me as some kind of ladies' man, but compared to Edgar, I am a ladies' man," I reply.
He laughs and says, "That's true." (Edgar is gay, by the way.) He continues, "You know I'm just joking around. You're an easy target, don't take it seriously."

I realize he's just joking around, really. I like Marvin, he seems nice and he's cool to talk to. I just don't particularly like the idea of him having the notion that I'm the type of person Edgar makes me out to be. Some guys might be flattered at the idea of people thinking he's some kind of ladies' man, but I'm not. Edgar has absolutely no clue about my "philosophy" when it comes to females. And Marvin would probably be shocked if he heard it, given the type of impression that Edgar gave him.

What is my "philosophy" when it comes to females? I never really gave it that much of a thought... I mean, as far as one gender over the other, I've always believed men and women are equals. In fact, I've always gotten along better with females, I've just always felt a lot closer to them than I have males. And like I said to Marvin, of course I'm interested in girls, I mean, I am a straight man after all. But unlike Marvin and Edgar would believe, I am not interested in "girls" so much as "a girl" (even if I haven't met that particular girl yet.) That's a bit complicated, so let me try to explain it better...

I've always been a romantic. Even as a child, my dream was the same then as it is today; to have a loving wife and a marriage full of love and romance. I dream of romance like you wouldn't believe. It's like, even my fantasies are romantic. Most men don't have romantic fantasies, they have sexual ones. And I'm not going to lie and say I don't have sexual fantasies every so often, but they're not these typical hedonistic fantasies like most men would say, the type where love takes a backseat to pleasure.

My major fantasy? I imagine a cool, Autumn evening... The rain is gently drizzling outside, while a gentle breaze comes in from the window. I'm lying down on the couch, with my arms wrapped around my girlfriend, as we cuddle under a blanket in front of the fireplace. That's it. Well, okay, maybe I might stroke her hair back behind her ear, or kiss the back of her neck every so often, but the entire mood is pure romance. That's my type of fantasy... No threesomes, no one-night stands with some anonymous sexbomb who'll do anything no matter how kinky and then disappear from their life afterwards.

So as a romantic, I am more interested in the love aspect of a relationship than the sex aspect. I do not treat girls like sex-objects, I am not interested in being with multiple girls, I am extremely monogamous, I am just looking for "the one." Which totally contradict's Marvin's illusion that I'm some kind of ladies' man. I have the utmost respect for women and when I'm involved with one, I treat her like a Goddess. I give her control and let her take the lead with everything. My "philosophy" when it comes to women? That it is my job to make her happy. Her happiness and making her feel good is my only desire, because if it makes her happy, then I'm happy.

Okay, *deep breath* Enough of the rant. It just bothers me so much to have someone consider me to be something that's the total opposite of what I believe in...

So anyways, soon after lunch, I get up to look for help on something I'm doing, and as it turns out, all my co-workers and supervisors were missing. All of them! So I'm standing there, and Edgar comes walking back towards his desk, which happens to be right next to mine.

He points at the guy he was just talking to and says, "You know, he's gay."
And I'm like, "Uh...okay..."
He's like, "Yup. You know, I was 30 years old when I went into my first bar, gay or otherwise."
* Kain blinks. (Why is he telling me this?)
He continues, "I saw this guy staring at me from across the room, and I didn't know what was going on, so I went over to talk to him."
* Kain looks around (Marvin? Someone? Please help me...)
He continues, "Next thing I know he's unzipping his pants."
* Edgar nods blissfully.
He continues, "My friends all decided to go home, but that's okay, because I went home with this other guy..."
* Kain nods uncomfortably.
"Okay...", I say.
* Edgar points out this other girl.
"You know she's gay, right?" he asks.
"No, I didn't know that... Until I know otherwise, I usually assume everyone to be...normal," I reply.
(Okay, so I know it wasn't the best choice of word, but it's the only one I could think of at the time.)
"What do you mean, normal?" he asks, not menacingly, but in a way where he knows I just opened myself up for some egging-on.
"You know..." I say, before pausing to try to find the right word, "The original..."
"The original... what?" he eggs on a bit more.
"The original design. You know, the way nature designed us. Men and woman have interlocking parts for a reason. You know, nature made it so it requires both a man and a woman to produce life... Because opposites attract, men and woman are supposed to compliment each other..."

(I specifically avoided saying "the way God designed us" so as not to turn this into some sort of religous debate. He has already accused me of being religous in the past, which is entirely not true. Not in the traditional sense, atleast. I don't follow an organized religion, or go to church, or pray, or do any of those type of things generally associated with religion. Do I believe in a God? Yeah; the world, the elements, nature, life, consciousness, it's all too complex to not have some sort of grand design, if it was left to chance it'd all be chaos. Do I have a set of morals I follow? Sure. But because they're what I consider the right things, not because some man who thinks God talks to him has told me so. But I digress...)

"Nature isn't always like that," Edgar responds, "Sheep, for example, will screw any other sheep regardless of gender."
"Yeah, and Penguins are completely monogamous, as are wolves," I reply.
"I'm monogamous," he replies.
"You've only been with that one man?" I ask.
"No," he replies with a laugh.
"I'm talking about mating for life. I'm talking about being intimate with one person and one person only, and never with anyone else for the rest of your life. That's what these animals are like," I reply.
"That type of thing is such a small percentage now," he replies.
"If you say so," I said, "But that's what I believe in."
"You're the one that should be the PK," he says ("Preacher's Kid" - referring to Marvin.)
"No, that would drive me up a wall," I replied.

At this point, Marvin was just returning to his desk, and I went over to get his help with the problem I was having (Marvin's desk is on the other side of Edgar's, opposite of mine.) So while Marvin's looking over what I brought him, Edgar tells me I'm too "straight and narrow". I asked him to explain, and basically it was the equivelant of a stuffed-shirt, plain-jane type. Or in layman's terms, the kind who, when he's in bed with a girl, would probably be interested in only doing the most basic of acts and that's it.

"I may be straight, but I'm not that," I reply.
"Oh?" he says, obviously trying to get some kind of juicy tidbit of information from me.

So now, I have a dilemma. Do I said, "No, Edgar, I have a very passionate, wild side to me, especially when it comes to doing practically whatever I can to please the girl, no matter how kinky she might be," or do I basically agree with him and make myself sound like some kind of plain-jane type? I chose silence.

I said, "You know, I really just don't know how to answer that."
And then I quickly asked Marvin about the paper I brought him to change the subject.
Edgar then says to me, "You want to see a picture of safe sex?"
Already I have horrible visions of what this could possibly be.
"No, that's okay," I said.
But rather than sparing me, Edgar pulls out of a close up photograph of male genitalia with a padlock going through it.
"SAFE sex," he says.
Now I'm not sure what color red my face turned, but I was like, "Yeah, uh...thanks..." and took my paper and headed back to my seat.
And I wondered why it is, that if him or I had been female, he'd have gotten in trouble for a stunt like that, but the fact that we're both physically men, somehow that's okay...

The day ended, and before I left, I took a picture of my cubicle. I brought the camera in, actually, just because Marvin wanted to see what type of digital camera I had, but while I had it here, I thought it'd be nice to take a pic of my "home away from home."

Afterwards, I walked the girl out to the car telling her the whole story of Marvin, and now everything that Edgar put me through. She said it's not okay for him to have done that and I have the option to report him. I'm not going to do that, though. I mean, part of me doesn't want to get him in trouble, part of me doesn't want to admit to seeing a picture like that, and really it's just not a big deal. I mean, if this was something I came across while surfing the web alone, I wouldn't have given it a second thought. It'd just the fact that someone showed it to me in person, especially someone I wasn't very close to, that makes me uncomfortable...

How do I get into these type of things? I just wanted help with my work...