Kain's Domain

Well, today was an absolute bust. Happy 29th birthday to me... Whoo... Bleh.

Let's see, I get into work today, and the day starts off fine. I step away from my desk momentarily to ask a co-worker something, I come back and find an envelope on my desk with my name on it. I open it to reveal a birthday card, signed by four people. It meant a lot to me, especially since I'm shy and making friends is always hard for me. Though, I have to admit that it made me feel a little unusual that the four people who signed it, I've never really spoken to before. I mean, other than the passing "Hi, how's it going?" things. But I definitely appreciate that they put some thought into it. I was rather disappointed that the one girl in my office who I'm attracted to and wish would notice me, didn't sign. I'm hoping that it was because the card never got around to her to sign, as three other people in the office noticed my card and that it was was my birthday, and was totally surprised. I think the card didn't travel far before it make it back to the start.

A friend of mine, the workaholic I mentioned a few posts back, had the day off, but told me that she was going to come in so we could meet up for lunch on my birthday. I call her at 9:30 to find out if we're still on, and nope, she's caught up in work, and has to miss it. It figures, that's why I brought a lunch just incase. She then said she'd call me when she got out of work from working overtime (at 7:00,) but once again, it's now almost 11 and nothing...

I get home, and I have nothing to do. My family members called and wished me a happy birthday, but other than that, I'm sitting here alone in a silent room, eating a birthday brownie, and wishing I was more outgoing and could actually grow a spine and learn how to take the initiate in making friends, and more importantly, ask this girl out. But I just know I'll be rejected, and I can't handle that, so I sit alone, I sit alone...

Then, my ex-girlfriend messages me and wishes me a happy birthday, which made me really happy. The fact that she remembered and would do that lifted my spirits no matter how down I was feeling today or this week combined.

Unfortunately, though, the happiness is not to last long. We used to always be able to talk to each other whenever we're feeling down about something, and the other person could cheer them up. But now, it's like discussing our problems with each other is like bringing a spark to dynamite. If I discuss what's bothering me, then I end up inadvertently "dumping my problems on her", bringing her down, and she gets upset with me. If she discusses her problems, I listen and try to be there for her, but she gets upset because according to her, I'm wrong, and I don't know anything. I mean, what the Hell am I supposed to do?

So after snapping at me about discussing what's bothering me and "dumping my problems on her", she decides she better leave, but first, she has to ask my advice about the problem she's having. Okay, fine... I told her I would always listen to her.

So she tells me what her problem is, and asks me what I think about it.
*Hears the ticking begin...*
I give her my reply, and then I'm relieved because she actually doesn't have a problem with it this time.
*Hears the ticking slow down.*
She asks another question.
*Hears the ticking speed up.*
She doesn't have a problem with this response either.
*Hears the ticking slow down.*
She makes a joke.
*Hears the ticking go away.*
I make a joke...

*KABOOM!*

She explodes, blasting away at me because what I said was "rude and insulting." What?! First, I should explain something; About a year and a half ago, she brought the subject of the joke to my attention, and made a joke about it. We laughed. I made a joke about. We laughed even more. It was a grande ol' time...

So now, I make the same type of joke that she got a good laugh out of before, and suddenly it's like I started World War III. I expected her to laugh, just like she did before. Does she laugh? No. It wasn't even about her, so the fact that she found it insulting is way beyond my understanding. And I try explaining that I was just trying to make a joke, one that she found funny before and even brought to my attention to begin with. But she doesn't care. She tells me she's ticked, and I'm a pain in her *ss, and it was a mistake to even talk to me, and then she blocked me.

There was a time when all I had to do was make jokes and goof around, and no matter how bad she was feeling, it always cheered her up. She even told me that before, that I had the power to put a big smile on her face no matter how bad she was feeling, just by joking around. So this is what I do. I make jokes, every chance I get. Yes, of course, because I'm trying to cheer her up and make her smile, but also because it's my nature. I like to make jokes, and almost anything is fair game to me. Even if it has to be self-deprecating, I'll go for it if it makes someone smile. The only thing I'll never joke about is her, because if I ever hurt her feelings, I would feel terrible.

Which is why she drives me up a wall. Because practically 90% of the jokes I make lately, she doesn't seem to understand that I'm joking, so she gets upset, and yells at me, and then gives me the silent treatment. Her tongue is constantly dripping with enough sarcasm to fill a swimming pool, but my jokes sets her off. And these are the same type of jokes that she used to love a year ago.

And the whole thing confuses me and hurts me beyond words. I don't understand what I'm doing wrong... I try to do one thing, it gets her upset. I try to do the other thing, it gets her upset. I can't ever win. I'm damned if I do, I'm damned if I don't. I mean, based on my own interpretation, here's her rules as I see them so far:

1. "Don't talk about your problems, because it's not fair to dump them on me."
2. "Give me advice when I talk about my problems, but know that in most cases, it's going to upset me and I'm going to yell at you."
3. "I'm going to flirt with you sometimes, but don't even think about flirting back because I'm in a committed relationship with another guy whom I don't even consider my boyfriend, and you have to respect that."
4. "Don't ever tell me how pretty I am, because your opinion doesn't count; the only opinions which count are from all the guys who apparently don't know I exist."
5. "I love your jokes, they would always cheer me up, but be aware that a joke you might tell me one day could have me in stitches, but the next day they may need to stitch your head back on."
6. "Don't tell me you love me, think about me, care about me, or worry about me. And don't read my public blog that I gave you the url to. Because those are obvious signs of obsession, not romance or love."
7. "When we have a fight, it will always be your fault. Don't try to apologize, because it's not going to do you any good, I'm still going to yell at you, tell you how horrible you are, and then give you the silent treatment."

Now, I realize that this all sounds pretty hard on her, but the thing is, that I deal with pain a little differently than she does. She gets upset, and she yells at me and tells me how horrible I am, and then disappears on me, even though she knows that the silent treatment is the most painful thing for me. However, when I get upset? I don't do anything. I sit here hurting, sure. But I never, ever yell at her or tell her she's a bad person.

I realize she has a lot going on in her life, and that things aren't all roses for her, and they can be very tough and depressing for her. And it hurts me, because one thing I've always wanted is to see her happy. But I just wish she knew what it was like on the other side of the monitor, and to actually have as much consideration towards me as I do her.

Needless to say, I now go to bed even more depressed than I began. *Sighs*.