Kain's Domain

Woke up late again today, surprise surprise, the alarm didn't go off. I have to wonder if this is some kind of omen...

Played a bit of Valkyrie Profile, then from out of nowhere, it starts thunder-storming. I had almost forgot about all the rain and thunderstorms that we get during the summertime. So I was forced to turn off my computer and air conditioner, and just lay here watching television, hoping that I don't fall back asleep.

Eventually, I figured I should start to clean up my room and my closet. While we were out clothing shopping, my mom apparently picked me up this thing I'm supposed to hang inside my closet. It's like, made of some clothy material, and is basically a column of shelves. Of course, I can't use it, because as I explained to my mom, my bedroom is the size of a closet, so you can only imagine how small my closet is. Anyways, I tried to hang it up in there, but it took up half the size of the closet and left practically no room to hang up any clothing on hangers. *sigh*

By the time I was done cleaning up for the night, the thunderstorm was over, so I started my computer back up, and here I am.

Ah, June 6th. This date holds a special meaning for me. It's been eleven years now since my first girlfriend, let's call her "Heather", broke up with me. We dated from March 11, 1994 to June 6, 1994. Yes, ladies, some of us guys do remember anniversaries. We were both 17 years old, and went to school together. I was shy and spineless when it comes to girls even then, so a friend of mine set me up with her, since he knew I found her very attractive and thought she seemed nice.

On Friday, after all classes were over, he went to the library where she hung out while waiting for the bus, and asked her how she felt about being set up with me. She apparently liked the idea, because he came back to homeroom with her phone number for me. I called her later that night, and we hit it off, and we ended up an item. We sat next to each other every class we had together, walked each other to class, hung out on all field trips together, etc. We talked on the phone together practically every night, as we couldn't see each other outside of school (she lived with her aunt and uncle some 40 minutes away and had to take a bus to get here.)

Eventually, the prom came along, and we went together. By this point, I was very much in love with her, and she told me she loved me as well. Even though I get embarrassed out in front of other people, I ended up slow-dancing with her in the corner. It was really sweet. But we both decided we had to spend sometime alone together outside of school. So the following Saturday, her uncle would drop her off at my house early in the morning, and we'd drop her off later that night. Things went as planned, and around 10 or 11 the following Saturday, she showed up, wearing the outfit that I had commented before made her look really pretty.

We hung out in my bedroom, and began by watching some television, then listening to music, then...well, it would be ungentlemanly of me to elaborate. It was nothing too intimate, but let's just say for the next eight or so hours, both our lips were moving except neither of us said very much. Later that night, we held hands in the back of my mom's car as we drove to drop Heather off. When Monday came, Heather gave me a cassette tape to listen to only when I got home.

I did, and it was a recorded love letter. She had recorded it after we dropped her off Saturday night. She went on to express her feelings, how much she loved me, how good I made her feel, how I was such an amazing kisser, how passionate, caring, giving, etc. I am. But then she started dropping me these hints, over and over again, about wanting to be more intimate. Things like, "What would you say if I told you that you could stick your hand up my shirt", etc. and then at the end, told me to record a message back to her.

So I did, and I told her how wonderful she was, and how much I loved her, and how great she made me feel, and how lucky I was to end up with her, etc. And I also answered her question. I told her that even if she gave me permission, I still wouldn't be able to do it, we had to wait. Now, you might think I'm a fool for that, but that's how I felt. It's not some kind of religious teachings that made me answer that way, just my own personal morals. I wanted to, believe me, I really wanted to, but I didn't think it was right yet.

The following day, I gave the tape to her, and when I talked to her on the phone later that night, she said it was the right answer. So I was happy, and things seemed to continue along their path normally. Until the following Monday, June the 6th. She arrived to school late that day, and looked nothing like herself. Her hair was pulled back, long dangly earrings, and she was wearing more makeup than a clown should be allowed to wear, with tacky multi-colored stripes going from the top of her eyelid to her eyebrow. Where was the sweet girl-next-door that I loved?

But the worst change was yet to come. I called her that night, and she wasn't acting like herself at all. She then told me that she was being forced to break up with me because her uncle didn't like me. So she said I had two choices, either she could break up with me, or I could break up with her. I told her I refuse to do either, and then went on to tell her how much I loved her and that we could work things out. The she made a comment about how she had a pack of cigarettes in her hand (she knows I hate smoking,) and followed it up with more comments meant only to hurt me. I asked her, "What about that Saturday we spent together?" To which she replies, "What about it? It was nothing, get over it."

Now, even if you're not going out with someone anymore, to say that something special that the two of you once shared meant nothing, or even worse, to say that something you once found to be a turn-on or amazing about that person (for example, their looks, or kissing them, etc.) is now disturbing or otherwise horrible, it's going to hurt that person. Heather knew that, and she knew exactly how it was going to make me feel. So she said it, and I felt like I had a stake in my heart.

The following day, I tried to talk to her in school, and she said there was nothing that could be done, her uncle's mind was made up. So I told her I was going to call him as soon as I got home and find out exactly what problem he had with me. She told me no, because she knew I was going to make it home before her, what with her 2+ hour bus ride. But still, I got home, and I called her uncle and...he said he didn't make her break up with me, he had no problem with me what-so-ever.

The next few weeks during school, I tried to talk to her and get back on her good side. But it never happened. All she said, the brief time I did talk to her, was that she had to break up with me, and wouldn't give me the real reason (since she knows I talked to her uncle.) I knew I wasn't going to see her once school let out for the summer, since she was going to start the following year in a school local to where she lived. So on our last day of school, I saw her in the hall at the end of the day, and she motioned with her hands to go away, and defeatedly, I did... And I never heard from her again since...

Over the summer, I talked to a classmate of ours, who talked to Heather a bit and saw a side of her that I didn't know about... Apparently, I was just supposed to be another notch on Heather's headboard. She had already had four other guys in that school, and I was basically her last chance to get one more before transferring schools. When she realized I wasn't going to put out, there was no longer a need to carry on the charade. After all, while she was going out with me, she was also going out with a guy where she lived...

I couldn't believe it, it's impossible... The classmate then took me to see another girl whom Heather knew, and backed up the story. And then later, I went and had a conversation with one of her previous boyfriends who was all too happy to describe just how loose the love of my life was. And I mean that literally, as well as figuratively. *shudders* I asked my friend who set me up with her if he knew about her prior "behavior." He said he did, and when I asked why he still hooked us up, he said, "I thought this way you'd finally get some." I still wonder if he was joking with that comment...

Learning this new information sure helped me get over her easier. But it was still very hard, and I was still extremely hurt... I loved her, and I just can't understand why people would cheat, or use someone else like that. It doesn't make sense to me...

Okay, I need some sleep. Goodnight, readers.